Twas rather a rainy night when poor Bill Devlin crashed his car into
Father Murphy's - when the latter was stopped for a red light. Bill ran to
Father Murphy's aid, and Father scolded him: "Bill, you nearly killed
me!"
"There, there, Father," replied Bill, in tones of remorse,
"Don't you be worrying! Here's a little bit of the creature
(Jamison's whiskey for the uninitiated) to warm and soothe
you."
Father Murphy was more pleasant after he'd finished a pint or so, and said
to Bill, "Well, now, Bill, I've been taking this all for myself, and
you were in a collision as well, even if you did cause it. Would you be
wanting a bit of this for yourself now?"
"Oh, no thank you, Father, you just keep it for your troubles. I'll
just stay here and wait for the police."
Mike, while in the tavern with some cronies, raised a toast: "To the
best years o' me life, spent in bed with my wonderful wife!"
Later, Mike felt a little sheepish about what he'd said, so he told wife
Katie that he'd actually toasted her with, "To the best years o' me
life, spent in church beside me wife."
Next day, a friend of Katie's, who'd learned of the toast from her own
husband, congratulated Katie on the very flattering toast Mike had raised.
"Aye, and I wish it were true," sighed Katie, "But really it
only happened twice - once before we got married, and once after. And the
second time I had to wake him up when it was all over."
Paddy and Brigid had been keeping company for thirty years, and decided
it finally was time to marry. When Paddy went to see the Monsignor to
make the wedding arrangements, he admitted that the changes in the Catholic
church had left him quite confused, and he didn't know what to do for the
ceremony.
"Well, Pat," answered the priest, "You can have the old rite
if you want - but it's so cold and formal. Now the new rite has warmth, and
love, and real participation. So, if I were you, I'd take the new
one." Ever obedient to the clergy, Paddy agreed.
On the day of the wedding, Paddy was driving to the church alone when he
got a flat tire. He removed his jacket, tie, and shirt, and rolled his
trouser legs to his knees, then fixed the tire.
By the time he was finished, he was quite late, and feared poor Brigid
would think he'd stood her up after the years of courting. In his haste,
though he remembered to fix the rest of his attire, he unwittingly left
his trouser legs as they were.
As Paddy rushed into the church, quite breathless, Monsignor called to him,
"Paddy, pull down your trousers, now!" Paddy quickly responded,
"Father, I'll take the old rite!"
It was the first day of school at Dublin's St. Luke's Catholic elementary
school after the summer break. Sister Agnes asked all of the students
one by one what they wanted to be when they grow up. Little Jimmy Spivey
said, "I want to be a fireman!!"
"Well that's very good, Jimmy" said the Sister. Danny Meehan
said, "I want to be a house painter when I grow up!"
"That is a noble profession," answered Sister Agnes. Mary McBride
said, "When I grow up I want to be a Prostitute!!"
Well the Holy Sister moaned out loud . . . and just about passed out! She
called the smiling Mary McBride up front to her desk. She wanted to ask
her again, hoping that she just maybe misunderstood what she said.
"Now Mary, tell Sister Agnes again, what was it you wanted to be when
you grow up?"
Mary answered, "A Prostitute!" Sister sank down in her chair, her eyes
lifted towards heaven and gasped, . . ."Oh Thank God, I thought you
said....Protestant!!!"
Mullanigan and Shayne were taking a little stroll. "At my
funeral," said Mullanigan, "I want you to pour a bottle of Irish
Whiskey over me grave."
"I'll be glad to," said Shayne. "But would you mind if it
passes through me kidneys first?"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a New York City Irish bar and
asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from ?"
"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!
Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you
from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin
too! Let's have a drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
"'What part o' Dublin?"
"Lancashire Town."
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from
Lancaster Town too! Let's have a drink to Lancaster Town."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you
go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in
'62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says."I went to
Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins
are drunk again."
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One drunk!
What do you call an Irishman who stays outside day and night?
Paddy O'Furniture!
So there was this fellow that decided he had had enough of the green and
moved to the second largest Irish community in the world -- New York City.
Well, it took a few weeks, but he finally found an Irish bar that he liked.
He decided that this bar would be the place where he would go for
socializing. He walked in and headed directly to the bar. The bartender
greeted him with "What'll ya have?"
The guy orders three Guinness'. The bartender looks at him and says
"But bein a good Irishman, you know that it is best to only draw one
Guinness at a time don't you?" The fellow looks back to the bartender
and says "Well of course I do, but I have two brothers back in the
homeland and we agreed that we would always drink together so no matter
where we are, we always order one for each of us and have a round."
Well, the bartender sees the logic in this, nods his head and draws three
pints.
Now this quickly became a nightly ritual so by the time the fellow reached
the bar, the bartender would have two of the three pints pulled. One night,
the fellow came in and walked to the bar rather quickly and as the
bartender was pulling the second, he ordered two Guinness.
Of course the bartender almost dropped the pint he was pulling!!!
In total silence, the bartender finished his task and the fellow walked
over to his table. The entire bar went silent. Thinking on the situation
for a few minutes, the bartender decided that under the circumstances he
had to do something so he drew one more pint and walked over to the fellows
table. As he arrived he said "Well, it's none of my business of
course, but I felt I had to do something to acknowledge your loss so I
would like to give you a pint on the house."
The fellow looked up at the bartender and said "Oh no I've suffered no
loss, I've just quit drinking."
