From the Mouth of Rodney Dangerfield!

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, what are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

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Top of Page - Off The Wall - Callahan's Saloon

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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said, "Alright, you're ugly too!"

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look ... twins!"

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

And we were so poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

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Top of Page - Off The Wall - Callahan's Saloon

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Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him.."Do you think we'll ever find them." He said.. "I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.."On your mark..."

On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off!

Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

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Top of Page - Off The Wall - Callahan's Saloon

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My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips.. yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!

For two hours.. some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him.. "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo ?"
He told me.."That is why we give you 21 days."

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Top of Page - Off The Wall - Callahan's Saloon

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Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days.. just nights.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said.. "Why should I.. you never put out for me."

A girl phoned me and said.."Come on over there's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.