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Top of Page -
Off The Wall -
Callahan's Saloon
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Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him
to help me find my parents. I said to him.."Do
you think we'll ever find them." He said..
"I don't know kid.. there are so many places they
can hide."
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out
a window on the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up
to talk to me. He said.."On your mark..."
On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking
like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off!
Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids
hand me candy.
When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show
him a picture of me.
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep
in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading
my face.
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Top of Page -
Off The Wall -
Callahan's Saloon
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My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on
the lips.. yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put
it out with an axe!
For two hours.. some guy followed me around with a
pooper scooper.
I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette!
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear
the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told
me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo
back to New York. I asked him.. "How am I supposed
to get from London to Tokyo ?"
He told me.."That is why we give you 21 days."
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Top of Page -
Off The Wall -
Callahan's Saloon
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Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights
in Hawaii. No days.. just nights.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do
me absolutely no good.
Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She
says she likes to watch herself laugh.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom
booing me.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She
said.. "Why should I.. you never put out for
me."
A girl phoned me and said.."Come on over there's
nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to massage parlor. It was self
service.
If it weren't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex
life at all.