It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving in
downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop so, I was in a rented
Stingray and it was overheating. I pulled into a Shell station. The
mechanic said I'd blown a seal. I said, "No need to get personal,
pal! Fix the car."
While he was doing that I walked over to a place called The Oyster Bar.
A real dive. But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins. I
said, "Hi Gill!" You have to yell, he's hard of herring.
Gil was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head
below water. I bellied up to the sand bar. He poured me the usual-- rusty
snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred with a peanut butter and
jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako.
I slipped him the fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even dropped
a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's squids, for the halibut.
Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines. They were
all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal--what sole!
Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna--"Salmon
'Chanted Evening". And the stage was surrounded by screaming
groupers, probably there to see the bass player. One of them was this
cute little yellow-tail and she's givin' me the eye, so I figure this is
my chance for a little fun. You know, piece a pisces.
But she said things I just couldn't fathom; she was too deep. Seemed
to be under a lot of pressure. Boy could she drink! She drank like a --
she drank a lot. I said, "What's your sign?" She said,
"Aquarium." I said, "Great! Let's get tanked!"
I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said,
"Come on baby. It'll only take a few minnows." She threw me
that same old line: "Not tonight. I got a haddock." And she
wasn't kiddin', either, 'cause in came the biggest, meanest-looking
haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels.
He came over to me, he said, "Listen, shrimp. Don't you come
trollin' around here." What a crab. This guy was steamed. I could
see the anchor in his eyes.
I turned to him, I said, "A-balone. You're just being
shellfish." Well, I knew there was going to be trouble and so did
Gill 'cause he was already on the phone to the cods. The haddock hits me
with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was
a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel.
Kelpless.
I said, "Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's gonna need a
sturgeon." Well, the yellow-tail was impressed with the way I landed
her boyfriend. She came over to me, she said, "Hey big boy, you're
really a game fish. What's your name?" I said, "Marlin."
Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner, I
took her to dance. I bought her a bouquet of flounders. And then I went
home with her. And what did I get for my trouble? Case of the clams.
