"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my
ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science,
curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and
selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not
appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so
far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and
absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind
me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining
composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they
were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate -- especially when the task is
unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to
respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my
head!"
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from
you shorty!"
