A woman drove me to drink, and I'll be a son-of-a-gun
but I never even wrote to thank her.
-- W.C. Fields
It's called take-home pay because there's nowhere
else you can go with it!
-- Alfred E. Neuman
To err is human -- but it feels divine!
-- Mae West
Time's fun whemn you're having flies!
-- Kermit the Frog
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a
thousand times.
-- W.C. Fields
Good hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even when you wish
they were!
-- Alfred E. Neuman
It's not the men in my life that counts -- it's the life in my men.
-- Mae West
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I thought I told you to wait in the car."
-- Actress Tallulah Bankhead when she ran into a former lover for the
first time in years.
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened
to stumble across a case of bourbon -- and went right on stumbling for
several days thereafter.
-- W.C. Fields
Misers are tough to live with, but they make terrific ancestors!
-- Alfred E. Neuman
Why don't you come up and see me sometime, when I got nothing on but the
radio?
-- Mae West
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a
half!
-- Gracie Allen
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I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
-- W.C. Fields
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for
hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
-- W.C. Fields
Too often, people who want to offer sound advice give
us more sound than advice.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
-- Mae West
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
-- W.C. Fields
People with bad coughs should go to doctors instead
of theaters.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
-- Mae West
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked
bar.
-- W.C. Fields
When most people put in their two cents' worth, they are not
overcharging.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
He who hesitates is last.
-- Mae West
Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
-- W.C. Fields
An argument is two people trying to get the last word in first!
-- Alfred E. Neuman
I used to be Snow White but I drifted.
-- Mae West
"Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts
ofliquor a day. What would your father think about that?"
WC: "He'd think I was a sissy."
-- W.C. Fields
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Most of us don't know exactly what we want, but we're pretty
sure we don't have it.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
"Goodness, what beatiful diamonds!"
"Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie".
-- Mae West
I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything
stronger than gin before breakfast.
-- W.C. Fields
How is it that people looking for a helping hand tend to
overlook the one at the end of their arm?
-- Alfred E. Neuman
It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.
-- Mae West
I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
-- W.C. Fields
If most people said what's on their minds, they'd
be speechless.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
I've been things and done places.
-- Mae West
Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
-- W.C. Fields
The reason most people are lost in thought is because it's
unfamiliar territory.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.
-- Mae West
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch...
-- W.C. Fields
It's not just the ups and downs that make life difficult,
it's the jerks.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
When a girl goes wrong - men go right after her.
-- Mae West
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I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
-- W.C. Fields
Some minds are like concrete...all mixed up and permanently set.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
So many men, so little time.
-- Mae West
I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
-- W.C. Fields
Ever notice that to entertain some people all you have to do
is listen?
-- Alfred E. Neuman
You're never too old to become younger.
-- Mae West
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
-- W.C. Fields
Remember the good old days, when the government lived within
its income and without most of yours?
-- Alfred E. Neuman
You ought to get out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini.
-- Mae West
In response to a waiter who'd offered him a Bromo Seltzer for a hangover,
Fields said: "Ye Gods, no! I couldn't stand the noise."
-- W.C. Fields
Ever notice how random chance always picks you for jury duty,
but never to win the lottery?
-- Alfred E. Neuman
Those who are easily shocked, should be shocked more often.
-- Mae West
It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple
of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in
assorted colors.
-- W.C. Fields
The dollar will never fall as low as what some people will do
to get it!
-- Alfred E. Neuman
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Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
-- Mae West
Secretary: "Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey."
WC (an aside): "Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy
sting?"
-- W.C. Fields
You know the world's in trouble when it takes 2,000 laws just
to enforce the Ten Commandments!
-- Alfred E. Neuman
I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.
-- Mae West
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all
night.
-- W.C. Fields
The suburbs are where they cut down all the trees and then
name the streets after them.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
-- Mae West
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being
a damn fool about it.
-- W.C. Fields
Only in America could a letter that offers a prize of ten
million dollars be regarded as junk mail.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
I've been in more laps than a napkin.
-- Mae West
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
-- W.C. Fields
The great advantage of compact cars is that you can get twice
as many of them into traffic jams.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
He who hesitates is a damned fool.
-- Mae West
Never mind what I told you -- you do as I tell you.
-- W.C. Fields
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We're living in an age when lemonade is made with artificial
ingredients and furniture polish is made with real lemons.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -- and another, in case it
doesn't rain.
-- Mae West
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
-- W.C. Fields
A man will go out with a woman if she's really different from
other women...the difference being she'll go out with him.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
Good sex is like good Bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.
-- Mae West
It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my
press agent.
-- W.C. Fields
Notice how women who claim that all men are alike seldom have
trouble spotting the difference between you and Tom Cruise?
-- Alfred E. Neuman
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success
wrong by wrong.
-- Mae West
Bloom, damn you! Bloom!
-- W.C. Fields
The first thing a man notices about a woman...depends on
which way she's going!
-- Alfred E. Neuman
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
-- Mae West
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort
the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax.
-- W.C. Fields
Some people are like blisters: they show up right after the
work is done.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
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Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
--Mae West
It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.
--W.C. Fields
A born executive is someone whose father owns the business.
--Alfred E. Neuman
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've
never tried before.
--Mae West
Thou shalt not steal--only from other comedians.
--W.C. Fields
An employer is someone who's late when you're early and early
when you're late.
--Alfred E. Neuman
Mae: "How tall are you ?"
Man: "Six foot seven."
Mae: "Well, let's forget about the six foot and talk about the
seven inches".
--Mae West
My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing,
shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete.
You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.'
Then I hand her a brick to throw.
--W.C. Fields
A lawyer is someone who writes an eight-page document and
calls it a brief.
--Alfred E. Neuman
I've been rich and I've been poor. Believe me, rich is better.
--Mae West
The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me
speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent
movies.
--W.C. Fields
The early bird gets the worm...but look what happens to the
early worm!
--Alfred E. Neuman
I always say, keep a diary, and some day it'll keep you.
--Mae West
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The best thing to break is a contract.
--W.C. Fields
It's really amazing how unimportant your job is when you ask
for a raise...and how important it is when you want a day off!
--Alfred E. Neuman
It ain't no sin if you crack a few laws now and then. As long as
you don't break any.
--Mae West
I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week
we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
--W.C. Fields
Marriage is like drugs to some people: they keep taking one
kind of dope after another.
--Alfred E. Neuman
It's better to be looked over than overlooked.
--Mae West
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
--W.C. Fields
A family vacation is when you go away with people you need to
get away from.
--Alfred E. Neuman
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
--Mae West
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the
only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in,
should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
--W.C. Fields
Adolescence is that period in a child's life when parents
become most difficult!
--Alfred E. Neuman
You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the
second meeting shows up new angles.
--Mae West
More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by
drinking alcohol.
--W.C. Fields
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Marriage is like a bath. Once you're into it and you're used
to it, it's not so hot.
--Alfred E. Neuman
I wrote this story myself. It's all about a girl who lost her
reputation, but never missed it.
--Mae West
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've
used up all the other four-letter words.
--W.C. Fields
Experience is something you never have until just after you
need it.
--Alfred E. Neuman
Marriage is a fine institution - but I'm not ready for an institution.
--Mae West
Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it -- but you can die
having it.
--W.C. Fields
These days, the only time politicians are telling the truth
is when they call each other a liar.
--Alfred E. Neuman
It's not what you do ... it's how you do it.
--Mae West
No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it's only a question
of degree.
--W.C. Fields
The ups and downs of the economy are the result of having
elected too many yo-yos!
--Alfred E. Neuman
A hard man is good to find.
--Mae West
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want
to own one.
--W.C. Fields
Political campaign speeches are like steer horns: a point
here, a point there...and a lot of bull in between!
--Alfred E. Neuman
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His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
--Mae West
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the
night, she can still survive.
--W.C. Fields
America is the land that fought for freedom and then began
passing laws to get rid of it.
--Alfred E. Neuman
Question: Ever met a man that could make you happy?
Mae: Several times.
--Mae West
Marriage is better than leprosy because it's easier to get rid of.
--W.C. Fields
War is what happens when arms are used instead of heads!
--Alfred E. Neuman
He's so crooked he uses a corkscrew for a ruler.
--Mae West
Ah yes, she's a fine figure of a woman, isn't she? A handsome lass if
there ever was one--and exceptionally well-preserved too.
--W.C. Fields
I'm the lady who works at Paramount all day, and Fox all night.
--Mae West
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
--W.C. Fields
Why don't you come up and have a little ... scotch and soffa.
--Mae West
Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded:
"Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails."
--W.C. Fields
Most people don't act stupid--it's the real thing!
--Mark Twain
Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.
--W.C. Fields
Germs attack people where they're weakest--which is why there
are so many head colds.
--Mark Twain
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To the question: Do married people live longer?--Fields responded:
"No, it just seems longer."
--W.C. Fields
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a
circle."
--Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's
neck.
--W.C. Fields
"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes
to see the game anymore."
--Yogi Berra
Anything worth having is worth cheating for.
--W.C. Fields
I'm going to live forever, or die trying.
--Spider Robinson
They never got me for the right offense.
--W.C. Fields
If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em.
--Harry S. Truman
[Charles Dickens was] the bravest man who ever lived. He fathered ten
children before they became tax deductions.
--W.C. Fields
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
-- George Gobel
I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too
bad for me.
--W.C. Fields
Never moon a werewolf.
-- Mike Binder
Someone asked Fields: How do you like children?
"Parboiled!"
--W.C. Fields
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place.
-- Johnny Carson
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There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an
infant.
--W.C. Fields
It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin'
on the clothesline.
-- George Lindsey
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
--W.C. Fields
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Dave Edison
Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law."
WC: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible."
--W.C. Fields
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it
back for seventy-five cents.
-- Billiam Coronel
Sucker: "Is this a game of chance?"
WC: "Not the way I play it, no."
--W.C. Fields
You have a cough ? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough.
-- Pearl Williams
Hangman: "Have you any last wish?"
WC: "Yes, I'd like to see Paris before I die."
(pause)
"Philadelphia will do."
--W.C. Fields
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise.
-- Roger Simon
WC: "Was I in here last night and did I spend a 20-dollar
bill?"
Barkeep: "Yeah."
WC: "Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind. I thought I'd
lost it."
--W.C. Fields
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under
my arms instead.
-- Sue Kolinsky
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Customer: "What have you in the way of steaks?"
WC: "(I have) nothing in the way of steaks. I can get right to
them."
--W.C. Fields
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-- Carol Leifer
WC: "You know, if anyone ever comes in here and gives you a $10 tip,
scrutinize it carefully; there's a lot of counterfeit money going
around."
Waitress: "If I get any counterfeit nickels or pennies, I'll know where
they came from."
--W.C. Fields
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-- George Carlin
Lady: "Are you really a man?"
WC: "Well, I've been called other things."
--W.C. Fields
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you ?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-- Steve Bluestone
Wife: "Why don't you go to bed?"
WC: "I thought I'd take a nap first."
--W.C. Fields
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to
get money from it
-- Stephen Leacock
Man (to WC): "You're drunk!"
WC: "Yeah, and you're crazy. And I'll be sober tomorrow and you'll be
crazy for the rest of your life."
--W.C. Fields
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I
wanna know your name."
-- Mike Binder
Man: "I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the
time."
WC: "A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need
sympathy."
--W.C. Fields
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
-- Red Buttons
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Never give a sucker an even break.
--W.C. Fields
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
-- Mae West
A man who carries a cat by the tail will learn something
he can learn in no other way.
-- Mark Twain
I don't give them hell, I just tell the truth and they think it is hell.
-- Harry S. Truman
We can't do great things in this life... we can only do small things with
great love.
--Mother Teresa
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles
a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell
she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known,
then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
-- Fred Allen
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans
were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself
in the head to stop your headache.
-- Jack Mayberry
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.
-- Elayne Boosler
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
--John Mendoza
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-- Jeff Stilson
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
-- Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of
the body before you do the wash.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
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I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is
attractive, but I have photographs of her.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses.
Now I'll have to kill you too."
-- Jake Johansen
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
-- Lynda Montgomery
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
-- Milton Berle
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
-- Erma Bombeck
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman ... or
a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
-- George Burns
When you become senile, you won't know it.
-- Bill Cosby
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-- Noel Coward
The one thing I do not want to be called is First Lady. It sounds like a
saddle horse.
-- Jacqueline Kennedy
A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, any more
than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient
sit up on the table.
-- John F. Kennedy
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
-- Marilyn Monroe
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No problem is too big to run away from.
-- Charles M. Schulz
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I
have the heart of a young boy ... in a jar on my desk.
-- Steven King
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with
great force.
-- Dorothy Parker
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
-- Joe Walsh
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some
fries."
The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries
with that ?"
-- Jay Leno
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day
you're off it.
-- Jackie Gleason
