One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other
in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate, "Where did
ya get that peg leg from?"
The Pirate responded, "We were sailing the seas when a
big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit
off me leg."
Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook
then?"
The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and
my wrist got cut through to the bone. The sawbones did it."
The bartender then asked "Then where did ya get the eye patch
from?"
The pirate said, "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head
and it took a dump right in me eye."
The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would
that make you get an eye patch?"
The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man is driving down the road with 2 penguins in the back of
his pick-up truck. A cop who is on duty sees the penguins and
pulls the man over.
"Why do you have penguins in the back of your truck,
young man?"
"I don't know officer," replies the man.
"Well you better take them to the zoo," the patrolman
orders.
"Ok" the young man replies.
The next day the same officer is on duty and sees the same young man
driving his pick-up truck with the two same penguins in the back. Only
this time the penguins are wearing sunglasses, shorts, and carrying a
towel.
So the cop pulls him over again and says "Young man, I thought I told
you to take these penguins to the zoo!"
"I did officer," replies the man, "and today I'm
taking them to the beach!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light
and darkness on Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"When Abraham Lincoln was your age," the father told
his son, "he had a job, went to school, and taught
himself to read."
"Really?" said the boy. "Well, when he was
your age, he was President of the United States!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Gloria came to her mother and asked, "Mommy, do you
know what you look like?"
"Yes dear, of course I do," said her mother.
"Oh, that's good," continued Gloria, "because
I just broke your bedroom mirror!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A little old lady riding the bus was very worried that she
might miss her stop. She poked the bus driver with her
umbrella and asked, "Is this the First National Bank?"
"No lady," said the driver, "that's my
rib."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Top Of Page -
Off The Wall -
Callahan's Saloon
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A mother of two young sons was trying to sort out the
details of a fight they had. Both boys were telling her
their side of the story at the same time.
Finally, she called for quiet and asked them to take turns
telling her.
Matthew began. "It all started," he said, "when
Mark hit me back!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Once upon a time, there lived in an African forest, two families of
amicable, hardworking wildebeests, who often enjoyed lunching together.
Both families had one young mischief-maker, however. The mothers each
thought that her own child was innocent and that the other child was
the troublemaker.
"You should punish that rascally brat of yours,"
shrilled one of the mothers one day. "A sound spanking might
do him some good."
"Spank my son, indeed," huffed the other mother.
"Why don't you...go paddle your own gnu?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons
when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of Indians.
They start to spur their horses forward when they realized that there are
hundreds of Indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again,
see hundreds of Indians rising from the hills. They begin to back away in
the direction from which they had come and then realize they are
completely surrounded. They are trapped.
The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says,
"Tonto, my friend, I must say that I have treasured our times
together but now I think that we are doomed."
"We?" replied Tonto, "what's with all this 'We' stuff,
Paleface?"
