See also our
Longer Jokes Page
Choices -
The Prognosis -
Life Begins.. -
The Rabbi and Priest -
The Guillotine -
Superman -
Missing Ladle -
Pearly Gates -
May-December Romance -
Henry Ford -
Three Stupid Guys
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Choices
A thirsty cowboy walked into a saloon. The bartender asked, "Care
for a drink, stranger?"
The stranger asked, "What are my choices?"
And the bartender answered, "Yes - or no!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Prognosis
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,
the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your
husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible
stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely
die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure
he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner
prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as
he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will
only make his stress worse."
"And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a
week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months
to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor
say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Life Begins...
A priest, a minister and a rabbi wre talking about when life
begins.
The priest asserted that the soul is present at conception.
The minister disagreed saying that life begins at birth when the infant
is physically separated from the mother.
"You're both wrong" said the rabbi. " Life begins when
the kids finally move out of the house!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Rabbi and Priest
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by
saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat
pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the
truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in
your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and
yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than
pork, isn't it?!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Guillotine
One day, they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the
guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he
meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be
looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine
and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from
his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the
priest.
The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up,
hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of
the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops
just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of
divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly
raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I
see what your problem is ..."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Superman
Superman decides to have a night on the town, so he calls on Batman
to accompany him.
Batman says "No, I have to conserve my energy to fight crime..."
So he calls on Spiderman...but Spiderman says, "No," too...
"I have to conserve my energy to fight crime and injustice."
So, Superman is disheartened and flies over the city....
Flying over a park, he spies WonderWoman, lying naked in a small open space
... He thinks, "Hmmm...I am Superman - I could dash down
there, have my way with her, and she would never know...."
So that's what he does...
The earth moves...the trees shake....
Soon, Superman is flying ecstatically back home...
WonderWoman exclaims out loud, "That was wonderful. What was
that?!"
"I don't know," says the Invisible Man. "But it hurt like
hell!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Missing Ladle
A young priest named Father O'Riley invites a old priest named Father
O'Flanigan over to his house for supper. While there, Father O'Flanigan
notices that Father O'Riley has a very young and lovely housekeeper.
Seeing Father O'Flanigan's attention to the housekeeper, Father O'Riley
says, "Ah Father O'Flanigan, I see you've noticed me housekeeper.
But rest assured, Father, that's me niece by my fourth cousin and there be
no hanky-panky in this house."
The rest of the dinner goes by and Father O'Riley says goodnight to Father
O'Flanigan when he leaves. The next day the housekeeper comes to Father
O'Riley and says "Father, we're missing that solid silver ladle that
I used for the soup last night. I think that Father O'Flanigan stole
it."
"I'll deal with it lassie." says Father O'Riley. He writes the
following letter to Father O' Flanigan:
Dear Father,
I thank you for your company last night at dinner. But you should know
that I'm now missing a solid silver soup ladle. I'm not saying you stole
it, and I'm not saying you didn't, but if you know anything about it, I'd
appreciate you telling me.
A week later the following letter arrives from the old priest.
Dear Father O' Riley,
I thank you for your company at dinner and inviting me. Regarding the
silver ladle let me say this. I'm not saying you're sleeping with your
housekeeper and I'm not saying you're not, but when I went to the bathroom
that one time, I took the silver ladle from the kitchen and put it in your
bed, and if you were sleeping in your own bed you'd surely have found it.
Yours, Father O'Flaningan
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Pearly Gates
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York
City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's
door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous
from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said,
" They're gone!"
"What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God.
"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly
Gates!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Three Stupid Guys
Three stupid guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St.
Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one
simple question.
St. Peter asks the first man, "What is Easter?"
The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when
everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."
"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man
the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we
put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of
Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disqust, looks
at the third man and asks, "What is Easter?"
"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides
with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were
eating at the last supper and he was later deceived and turned over to
the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be
crucified,he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns,
and was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was
sealed off by a large bolder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so
that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be 6 more
weeks of winter."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
May-December Romance
A 77-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful
18-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go
to Florida for their honeymoon.
When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was
it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf,
we made love almost every night, we--"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love
almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost
made love Tuesday..."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Henry Ford
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the angel tells Ford,
"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car,
changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in
heaven."
So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang with Adam, the
first man." So, the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of
the woman?" Adam says yes. "Well," says Ford, "You have
some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters at high speeds.
3. the rear end wobbles too much.
4. And the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm...", says Adam, "hold on." So Adam goes to the
celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the
result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then
says to Henry Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but
according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than
yours."
