Tender Tips

Bartender Jokes

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Joe orders a drink and tells the bartender, "I've quit my job and taken up a new career as a writer."

"Sold anything yet?" asks the bartender.

"Oh, definitely," replied Joe.

"Like what?"

"My fishing equipment, my TV, my watch..."

An old goat and his companion were having dinner at the city dump. The old goat finds a roll of film and starts to eat it.

His companion watches in silence for a minute and then says "So, how's the film?"

The first goat says, "Welllll... to tell you the truth ... I enjoyed the book better."

A stenographer was leaving the law offices of Blake, Swope, & Fitch one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Blake standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said Blake, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the stenographer. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said Blake as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Mr. Jones was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. " I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Mr. Jones returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

Mr. Jones nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

"You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone." --- Al Capone

"I ran three miles today, finally I said 'lady take your purse.'" --- Emo Phillips

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps." --- Emo Phillips

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was.

His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"

Halloween Groaners

Q. What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o'-lantern by it's circumference?
A. Pumpkin Pi

Q. Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A. Because people are dying to get in.

Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A. He didn't have the guts.

Murphy's Office Laws

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied "Of course I do. It's the Bible."

He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it's in the Bible."

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I'll ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

A three year old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. Upon returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There are two little boy kittens and two little girl kittens".

"How do you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy pick them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!" And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

"But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"

"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, ... P_L_E_A_S_E!!!"

"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like: DUST... WASH... IRON... COOK!!"

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